Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Failures, Fortitude and Flexibility

  Failure, Fortitude and Flexibility
The last few weeks have been a lesson in failure, fortitude and flexibility. Bob has had some really rough times. His blood pressure was all over the place going from really low and blacking out to fairly high. He has been stuggling with his medications and he has been suffering with henorroids and Dystonia (posture and neck) problems.
     This has resulted in:
  • A ride to the ER in an ambulance
  • A cancelled trip with my  Ladies bible study group 
  • My having to work the Ministorage full time
  • Multiple Doctor visits
  • Cancelling our christmas in Portland plans
  • My total meltdown
Unfortunately on the plan side it messed with MY plans tremendously and this had an unfortunate result in my totally selfish and ungracious meltdown. For Bob it involved a lot of pain, scary moments and sadness that he was experiencing all these things.

Failure - fortunately this occured at the begining of this current episode. I can come up with a grand explanation of my actions but it all boils down to I failed Bob.
  • I was tired, it was late on a Friday night and there wasn't any one to call and ask for help or guidance.
  • I did not know what to do to allieviate his suffering and was very frustrated and overwhelmed
  • I was trying to help him and solve the problems all on my own power, skills and knowledge
  • I had to cancell an outing that I had been lookig forward to for a very long time
  • I had to take over his duties at the ministorage which limited my freedom to come and go
Bob is a very difficult patient during these times and it is very hard to find out what he needs and what is specifically wrong. I am trained in triage and yet he seems to defy all my efforts to address his problems. I took a very hard and unsympathetic line with him and I wasn't very nice. I'm sure in his vunerable state he became fearful in the face of my fierceness. All in all niether one of us was at our best.

Fortitude- Fortunately after a night's rest (as short as it was) I saw things more clearly. We had achieved some temporary solutions and reduced some of his difficulties for the time being. I viewed the events with a harsh eye as to my behavior and was repentant. Throughout the weekend I was given some very clear messages. Basically God revealed to me in several ways (including the Sunday sermon) that I had tried to do all this in my own strength and that was totally inadequate. I needed to rely on Him and His strength when I was faced with these kinds of situations.

The following weeks I have been stronger, less overwhelmed and tired, more productive and I have actually found some encouragement in the Doctor's recommendations. It hasn't been any easier, he still required some intensive care, and as I mentioned earlier we had to go to the ER - but I called a friend who is a volunteer paramedic and she came with her ambulance to transport him, to smooth my way and to help guide me into the appropriate choices. I really can't believe how hard it is sometimes to call for help and to accept it. Sometimes you need someone to take over until you get your balance and start thinking clearly.

I have started going into these episodes by calling on God and asking him to take over, guide me, give me strength and wisdom, to help the Dr.s  to really see Bob and what he needs. Beth Moore an amazing bible teacher for women, shares that she carries index cards with inspirational scriptures specific to a particular situation. I have begun to create and carry these my self. they are encouraging as I sit in the waiting rooms or exam rooms to remind me who is really in charge and that he is dependable. This is where I find fortitude in relying on God and letting him take over, not trying to rely on my limited strength, skills and knowledge.
I let him shoulder the burden and I am a better partner to Bob in doing so.

Flexibility- So I had to reaarange my schedule as I took over the operation of the Ministorage. I was required to be on site from 9-6 Mon thru Sat. Any errands or places that I wanted to go had to be after that. I wasn't able to fill in as a sub for my part time job. I had to cancel my plans to go to the Christams town of Leavenworth in Eastern Washington with the ladies from my church and because of his blood pressure episodes we cancelled our plans to drive to Portland for Christmas. Flexibility - I had to become flexable and not only that but content and at peace with this. I did, I was and I am, I settled in at the Ministorage and I have a really clean house, I was able to spend time finishing my christmas cards and mail my gifts. My house was already decorated and filled with Christmas and we were invited to have Christmas dinner at a home that Bob is comfortable visiting. All in all we have had a lovely holiday, slower and more private but very pleasant and precious none the less. i find I am content and at peace. In the next few months Bob will be having a surgery that will require a lot from me during his recovery and then a visit to a clinic in Portl;and and some other proceedures. I know that the next few months are going to be taxing in every way that you can imagine, but hopefully now I have some tools to help me through those taxing moments. I know who I can and must rely on. John 3:30 says "He must increase, but I must decrease."