Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Patience

As a caregiver I can feel as if the whole world is standing at my door demanding my attention and everyone wants it NOW! As a couple you tend to divide the "chores", things he likes to do, things you like to do and the things that each of you do best. But when it comes to Care giving often ALL of those things (including the things you don't like or do well) become your responsibility. I always thought I had a very busy and full life and now it seems to have tripled. I have my things, his things and now the Parkinson's things. It can be enough to make me crazy!

It became a real struggle because I would feel the pressure to do everything, frustrated by the things that I don't do well and just plain ran away or ignored the things I didn't like to do until critical mass was achieved. I especially struggled with Bob"s requests. I seemed to believe that when he asked me to do something it meant that I was expected to do it right then. More often than not that would be extremely inconvenient or just down right impossible in consideration of other time related issues. For instance - as I am walking out the door to go to work and am already running behind he would request a task that would be extremely hard to do and still make it to work on time. I'm thankful that I have a lot of hair or I could very well be bald by now. Another repercussion would be my attitude and stamina. Both would deteriorate greatly and rapidly.

I became grumpy, grumbly murmuring unattractive comments and becoming exhausted by the stress placed by the demand of trying to do all of it. Pressure lead to stress, stress to exhaustion, exhaustion to a very unhappy and sullen demeanor. This created it's own feedback as the person we take care of will feel the effects of the discontent.I became extremely ungracious and often martyred in my approach to "The Chores" He became defensive, feeling as if he were a burden, frustrated that he couldn't do things for himself and would nag me because he perceived that I would ignore his requests (or demands depending on both our moods).

Last month was all about balance. This month seems to be about patience. Patience - what a really hard thing to acquire or remember on a daily basis. We can get so bogged down in our gotta do's that we do not gladly welcome additions to the list. Patience is not a zen thing where we calmly take everything in stride. Sometimes patience is simply not getting annoyed and snapping or lashing out at each other. Patience is not wallowing in the negative, having a thin skin, bowing to the pressure or taking on an impossible task in an impossible time frame. We are not super human and neither is our loved one.

One of the things that I learned and once understood was greatly relieved of some pressure was that He doesn't always need or want it right now. With the Parkinson's he has found that if he doesn't voice the thought when it occurs he will forget it so he will tell me right then. That doesn't mean he needs me to do it now, but he may need to know when I will do it. He knows that he forgets and he knows that I have a lot on my plate therefore it would be easy for me to forget so he has some anxiety about this. so I need to

#1 Clarify the request
#2 Determine the expectation of when it needs to be done.
#3 Affirm that I will do it and when I think I can and sometimes show him how it fits into my day and other tasks. (Caution - this is for his comfort and understanding of your process. Not a chance to whine about your overwhelming schedule)
#4 Make it important to complete it for Him. Not all of my tasks are that important that I can't accommodate him.
#5 Remember Balance! Husbands are husbands and wives are wives - does he really need me to do this? Or does he really need to do it himself. Or maybe - Does it really need to be done?

Instead of letting life and responsibilities overwhelm you so that you become this unhappy frazzled nasty worn out person. Patience - take a deep breathe and evaluate, rearrange things if you need to, and maybe even re-evaluate what is necessary and what is not. Realize that not everything needs to be done now and some things can be let go of. What is important? What is necessary? And sometimes what is just plain fun? That has to be thrown in every now and again to keep your sanity.

Speak kindly - impatience is unattractive and poisonous. Take a deep breath and reply kindly as if you are in a meeting and laying out the day's schedule. Take the temper out of the words, how you say a thing is just as important as what you say. Sometimes the way to take the temper out of the words may mean you may need to rephrase what you were going to say. Take out the ugly and negative or just don't go there at all.
It's alright to confess to having a struggle with doing all you had planned- He might even have a solution or an idea that is helpful. Remember you can still be a team and it's helpful if he still feels like part of the team.

Humor helps with patience. I've been known to be stomping up the stairs for the umpteenth time and catch myself being a brat. So I will yell down to him "Sorry! evidently my evil twin sister is not feeling very gracious right now. I'll just show her the way to the front door and be back in a minute!"