I'm not superwoman, even though I think I am.
I am becoming a wiser woman.
I thought that just because I was a resident manager and worked from home all day, that because the "Work" is really minimal, that I could take care of the job, Bob, the home and in my spare time sew and quilt. And for a while this was how things went. Lots of quilting and sewing and reading, I even sometimes got bored.
But little by little it changed. Slowly Bob's care has started to take more and more time, and I have less and less time to do - oh say laundry until it becomes critical.
So I think
Well you just have to organize your time better
So I got up earlier
And he started needing me earlier
And the laundry still didn't get done
or the sewing
or the quilting.
I still read
There's always time to read (especially if you are addicted)
But then that made me feel guilty. If I had time to read and putz around on the internet then I had time to do laundry, study my bible, quilt or sew. So I gave myself a very good talking to. Buck up Chickie Babe, you have been known to start in the bathroom and work your way all the way down to the laundry room in one day (usually the day before the Mother in Love shows up). But it isn't working. Oh, I might get the upper floor done, or the office or the laundry room but never all of them at the same time, not even the same week.
And Bob keeps asking me to do certain projects
Like start the Mustang
or fetch the batteries from the scooter and bring them inside
rebuild his Speakers
rewire his amp something
paint his toes
or manicure his fingers
The list goes on
and it doesn't get done
He did get his helicopter fixed, one of the respite guys (I should give them a name when I have time) helped him. One of them is going to help wire the amp thingy next time he comes to visit. I just have to remember where the parts are.
One night I came home after a respite evening and the guy had wiped out my fridge. No, he left the food in it, but he took a sponge and cleaned it. I was so embarrassed. It wasn't that it was embarrassingly dirty, It just had the usual issues that most well loved fridges have between major clean outs. But- someone other than me did it, what must he have thought of me? Another one cleaned the microwave. AWWGGGHHHH! I am a total failure of a stay at home housewife, I'll have to turn in my badge.
So again I start to think
Why is this so hard?
It didn't used to be?
And as I thought about it I realized that more and more of my time and energy is spent on Bob. In the morning it takes about 2 hours to get him up for the day. And just when I get him settled in his chair he thinks that then is the time he can start going down the list of the things that are on his agenda. By that time I don't want to do anything else Bob related for 10mins, I say 10mins but I probably really mean for the rest of the morning if there is any left of it. By that time I am finding it hard to breathe and if I don't get a break I'm going to be a really nasty person. Let's face it 2 hours of constant tending to another person is like water dripping in your face, and if you don't do something you will drown.
So I have to own it
I am not Superwoman
I need to get over perfection
I need help
And then another one of the guys - The Bob Guys (how's that sound?) starts coming before church to get him loaded up. When we got to church they (more Bob Guys) take my keys and shoo me off to worship, they take over my husband and my car. I don't even know where they parked it because after church they brought it around and loaded Bob up. And today one of them came, took the van, washed, cleaned and vacuumed it. As I was thanking him he said "It was a small thing and you have bigger things to worry about. Any time you need something just let us know."
Well there is one thing
A Tradition that has had me worried
The Women in my family will laugh - they know
My mother is Scottish and they have a tradition that whatever state your home is in when the New Year rings in, that's it's highest potential the rest of the year. All my life from Christmas to New Year's we have spent scrubbing the house. I'm talking walls, ceilings, behind the fridge and stove EVERYTHING! This has filtered down to my sister and I and even my two nieces. That's right I am absolutely sure Tamara scrubbed her flat in London before she went to spend her holiday in Dublin with her sister, and right now they are probably cleaning Jocelyn's apartment. Or thinking about it, it's still early, at some point it will start happening and they won't realize what they are doing until they look at each other and start to laugh. It's the curse of having a Scottish grandmother.
So I ask
Do you know of a young woman who wouldn't mind cleaning a house during her vacation?
I tell him about the Tradition
Is that a Superstition?
No, a Tradition
A Tradition cloaked as a superstition handed down by our mother's to make sure we clean our houses at least once a year.
So Reality has won, I concede that I am no Superwoman (if I ever was) and I need to start arranging for help, to keep on top of the things that need to be done, to free myself up to be more available to Bob, to find time for me to quilt or sew or read. It's not a bad thing to let others in, to tell them what you need. It's just a hard thing. To accept it in yourself, that you can't do it all and THEN have to go and confess it to someone else, and THEN ask for help. But God is prompting me, changing my heart and mind.
First I had to learn to rely on Him, now He is showing me how to rely on others. I am not a burden, I am being supported by my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I am being used by God to bless these brothers and sisters. So many have told me how it blesses them to help us, to get to know Bob better. They listen to Bob talk about God and his faith, and now he is being blessed by them as they serve him and he opens up to them about the things he struggles with. They encourage him and support him in prayer. Today we are so used to the saying "It's a Viscous Circle" but we are experiencing the opposite "It's a Positive Circle".
So maybe it isn't Reality that has won, but God's people. We are winning, God is winning in our lives by transforming us into the people He wants us to be, to be reflections of Him and His love.
If that's the case then