It's 3 am and Bob wakes up. He has been moaning in his sleep and now he is awake. His body is suffering with micro tremors, I can't see them, but he can feel them and they have awoken him.
He asks me if he took his scheduled pills?
Yes.
When are the next ones due?
6am.
Too long!
I'm sorry. Would you like some wine?
Can't swallow, muscles are too tight.
How about in a syringe?
Yes, thank you.
There were other issues that needed to be dealt with also and so I crawl out of my bed and tend to them. But I have to confess in a Martha sort of way. I was grumbling. Lack of sleep, fear of the ever present progression of this disease, living in my self serving flesh. I struggle to keep my eyes focused on God, to lean on Him, to serve Bob as unto the Lord. And then I hear the words.
I'm Scared
How do I comfort him? I'm scared too. What is he scared of?
What am I scared of?Are they the same things?
How do we negotiate this journey?
Fear
Worry
Paralysis
Ineffectiveness
Frozen
Anger
Frustration
Lost
These are the things we battle, these are our adversaries, our enemies,
the host that encamps against us.
And I whisper to God, in the middle of the night. "Help me Lord to serve you, to care for Bob as if I was doing it for you, Not in my own strength but through yours. To your Glory and not in a self absorbed inconvenienced state of mind. I love Bob, I love you, help me to be the very best Wife, Servant and Daughter of God I can be."
Its 10 am, the night has passed, things have calmed down, we got some rest but we are moving slowly. Having set Bob up with his breakfast I go downstairs to have a quite time with the Lord. I've been reading Chuck Swindoll's - "Living the Psalms Encouragement for the Daily Grind"
Today?
Psalm 27 - The Grind of Fear
The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers come upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
Though war rise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
One thing I have asked from the Lord, that I shall seek:
That I may dwell in the house of the Lord
all the days of my life,
To behold the beauty of the Lord
And to meditate in His temple.
For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
And now my head will be lifted up above
my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes I will sing praises to the Lord.
Hear, O Lord when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
When you said "Seek My face," my heart said to You,
"Your face, O Lord, I shall seek."
Do not hide Your face from me.
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!
For my father and my mother have forsaken me
But the Lord will take me up.
Teach me your way, O Lord,
And lead me in a level path
Because of my foes.
Do not deliver me over to the desire of my adversaries.
For false witnesses have risen against me.
And such as breathe out violence.
I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would
see the goodness of the Lord
In the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes wait for the Lord.
How good is my God?That he responds to my needs and cares. And so I read Swindoll's words of insights and I write the inspired thoughts that sooth my soul and draw me closer to Him. I cry, I pray, I am refreshed in my spirit and my resolve and the I open my Facebook to this
this was posted by a friend from the church I grew up in -Valerie Higley
and I respond in the comments section
Psalm 27 is the Psalm for the Grind of Fear. Worry is what we do when we are fearful, but if we choose to follow David's example and we can face fear with Praise, Confidence
Fear can paralyze us, but if we focus on these things we can break it's hold. The only way through is to rely on, to trust, to be secure, to have assurance in our relationship to a God who is not some distant Deity. An impersonal, abstract, theological Being. He is a very personal, ever present Friend and Helper. Our confidence and stability comes from this relationship because it is not our strength but the Lord's that sees us through. He is our only foundation and He is unshakable!
This was my morning quite time and a paraphrase of Chuck Swindoll's writing on Psalm 27 - Susan
A short brief exploration of the lessons He has been teaching me today, and in fact for awhile, the themes have been:
Keep your eyes on Jesus
Keep your focus on Him
Serve as unto Him (not to others)
Do all to the Glory of God
He is Personal
My confidence is in Him not me
He is my foundation (Unshakable)
So are we scared? Yes and we have reason to be. How do we face it? With a faith and confidence in God. I choose faith over worry. Confidence in God over fear of this disease. And I remember early on He told me:
I've got this
Don't worry
"Every place that the sole of your foot will tread upon I have given to you..."
"Have I not commanded you?
Be strong and of good courage;
Do not be afraid or dismayed;
For the Lord your God is with you
wherever your go." (Joshua 1: 3 & 9)
And I find comfort and strength with a God who walks with me through the wee early hours of the day when my strength wavers.
