Wednesday, December 14, 2011

A Servant's heart - or Surviving being a caretaker

As you all know or have read in previous posts, my epiphany on how to have a servant's heart and pointing me on this road to learning how to be the very best caretaker Bob could ask for started with an angry shovel  full of snow. I was having a temper tantrum. It was all about me and how unfair life was and then God interrupted my tantrum.

So as I become a full time caregiver there are lots of things that I struggle with.
  • The first is the worry about becoming overwhelmed, suffocated and burnt out. My goal, or mission statement as it were, was to survive this time in my life in such a way that I would still be vibrant, healthy and relevant. I didn't want to be so used up that there was no life left in me and I just shriveled up and expired.
  • Secondly I want to be able to provide Bob with the best care I possibly can, so that he will be as healthy as he possibly can be for as long as he can be.
  • I want to remember to not only be his caregiver but his wife
  • I don't want to just make sure that I only take care of his day to day needs but that I care for his mind and heart and soul. He needs to know that he is precious and relevant and not just someone who has to be taken care of. 

There have been many ways that I have learned (and still am learning) how to be a caregiver

God has whispered in my heart with cautions, preparing me for what was coming and soothing my fears for what is ahead by promising to go before me and make a way

In the following years I have had to do more and more for him and we have received an even more dire prognosis that we originally prepared for. Along the way God has whispered in my heart and prepared it to face each thing as it comes. I say face because to describe it any other way would to imply that I had nothing to learn and already had the skills to "deal" with it. No I faced it as one who knows that there is an enemy that must be dealt with and begins to gather up the necessary skills and tools to overcome. I am not shocked or surprised-I had heard whispers that it was coming and when it arrived I was, if nothing else, prepared to face it and learn how to deal with it.

An example -  I had almost reached my 15th anniversary with West Marine (July) it was a slim hope, but I had hoped that I could get at least that far along before I had to resign and become Bob's full time caregiver. But as Bob needed me more and more, the demands of the ministorage, the filing for Social Security and the arrival of a new store manager, it became clear that the time had come to resign. I'm often asked if it hurts or was it hard? The answer is - yes, it's sad to leave a job I loved, but no- God had been preparing my heart and when it was time I embraced it and was in fact eager to go on to this new chapter.

I am blessed with an amazing community of support

As you can imagine I have received a lot of advice (and support) on how to navigate this path I am on. I have relatives who have taken this journey, a caregiver support group, friends who are both caregivers and the person who is ill. Professionals and lay people, Family and church family - all are amazing and I am so blessed to have them in my life. I welcome and am blessed by all of you. Thank you for reading my blog and bless you for the comments you make. They are an amazing encouragement to me and sometimes provide me with surprise with your insights. How you view it and how I see it are very different and I am always surprised ,delighted, encouraged and grateful that I am not alone or forgotten.

I have been fortunate to be able to draw vast comfort and insight from the books that I have been reading in my daily quiet time

My quiet time each morning has a variety of books that I have been reading. It usually involves a bible study I am doing, a book that the ladies at Crossover church have found and are all reading, or one that has been given to me or I have stumbled across. Even a book about desiring God over Food book that my health and fitness group are reading through together and when I don't have anything in particular to read -good old Oswald Chambers will fill in quite nicely. I rotate them through the week and am amazed at how seemingly off topic books will lead me to such insight into my life and it's challenges.

And the conclusion is it's all about perspective and attitude - that results in leaning on God's strength not mine

I have been following Ann Voskamp's journey of thanksgiving in her book "One Thousand Gifts - A dare to live fully right where you are".  I've written about it in the post "Eucharisteo".

Attitude

Thankfulness
So I am endeavoring to live in the now by counting the blessings and giving thanks for them - now.  Ann writes "I keep on counting blessings to keep on remembering to keep on walking out into the unknown."

Complaints vs Laments
Learning to know the difference between complaining and muttering - very self destructive activities, and offering God a lament about the things I grieve about. "True lament is the bold faith that trusts God enough to feel and cry authentic"

Perspective

Smallness
To make my self smaller because "How much larger your life would be if your self could become smaller in it!" and "the joy of small that makes life large"  think about the feeling of smallness that we have when we stand on a rock like Half Dome - we are dwarfed by it's size and we stand in awe of it. I want the "wonder and worship" that "can only grow out of smallness."

Humility
Mary was humble - she was willing to put aside the dreams, plans and event the expectations of what her life was "supposed" to be to accept what God asked of her "In Mary's humility - her willingness to die to her expectations and plans - God exalts her. In her submissiveness to His will, he fills her emptiness with fullness of himself.
Putting it all together

Service and Contentment
When I do the work for God rather than for myself or for others I am filled with his strength and contentment. If I render service just to people, I can become weary and frustrated. I want recognition for what I do and start to believe that they owe me some kind of gratefulness for my sacrifice.but when I care for Bob because it is pleasing to God then the work becomes easier to do, my attitude changes, it becomes an act of worship and this is what makes me content.He will lend me the strength that I need, He will give me His joy to live this life. He will give me blessings and I in turn will bless others. In surrendering to this life of care giving I have found time and energy to invest in the lives of others. I have begun a campaign to reach out to my loved ones. The more I give up the more life he gives me. And so I no longer worry that I will be "used up" I am going to live as fully as I can now. paying attention to what He has given me and passing the blessing on to others.
  • I am vibrant, healthy and relevant
  • I can care for Bob well because it is a joy to do so
  • I can separate the routine of tasks from the expression of a wife's love and be both
  • I will always let Bob know how precious, important, vital and relevant he is even in this difficult time and make sure that he has the opportunity to experience these things in the community we live in by not allowing him to hibernate in the house and getting him out as much as possible to interact with others.