The month of April (and also May) have been emotionally difficult. We have had to make Bob's diagnosis official by calling the Social Security office and filing a claim for disability. In the process Bob submitted his resignation to our boss Mark and I was given the official title of Manager. Although we all know the true manager is really Spike the cat. We are now in the process of moving Bob and his Bob cave upstairs. He is no longer requires to have his Bob Cave next to the office and moving him upstairs will put him and everything he needs on one level. This will also save me at least 3 trips up/down each time Bob needs something.
On one hand I am excited about the benefits that all these changes will bring about. However as I move through them and complete each necessary step I grieve. When I handed Mark the resignation letter, I had to go upstairs and have a good cry. It is a very sad moment when a man is forced to end this phase of his life. I spent this morning replying to and filling the requests of the SS dept and writing a cover letter. I became overwhelmed emotionally at one point and had to take a break. I forced myself to complete it and it is now in the hands of the USPS. I also had to address some unfinished business regarding a private transaction and in doing so had to explain Bob's situation. Both the issue and the explanation took some of the steam out of me. I still have one more area to address but I'm so tired and wrung out now that "I'll do it another day".
There now I have posted my current mood and feelings - or is that "Blogged". Now I want to go on to say how grateful I am!. This transition is necessary and we will reap great benefits from it and hopefully we won't have too many more "transitions" for a long while and we can get down to make the best of this time and enjoy it. How can we be grateful and joyful you ask?
God is taking care of us.
Firstly he provided the roof over our heads and the job that comes with it. The story is an amazing one of how we received this job and how it was tailor made for us long before we knew what we would need. It truly was a work of God and I'll post it as a separate post so this one won't be too long. (I know every thing I write is long). So.... We have a home and we were able to keep it by having me take over the job. We did not have to have a huge upheaval to make this change, like finding new housing or even a new job in this economy. All the changes so far have been on paper.
Secondly He has provided me with the ability to be Bob's full time care taker. Because we live where I work I am at home most of the day and available to care for Bob. I get to enjoy the day being near or with my husband. We don't know how many years we have left and he is still an enjoyable companion so instead of having to shut him up in an apartment all day while I work 40hrs or more a week with a few hours each day together, I get to enjoy him and fill my heart up with memories of Bob.
Thirdly He has provided resources I never dreamed of. Over the last 5 years it always seemed that if there was a program or benefit to be had we some how didn't qualify. I stressed out how I was going to care for him all the way to the end. I can't afford to house him in a nursing home if and when the time comes, and I had no idea how I was going to afford taking care of "his final arrangements". Also in between, there are going to be those times when I will need someone else to come in and take care of him and that can be expensive.One by one God has brought us the resources we need and some that I had no idea existed. When all the dust clears and everything is in place we should be in good shape for awhile. What a relief!
Lastly He has provide us a community. We have an amazing Neurologist - Dr. Heidi Heller. She gets who Bob is and relates to him very well at the same time she doesn't forget about the impact this has on me. I am going to an amazing church where I have made more close friends in 2.5 yrs than I have the whole 17yrs I've been in Spokane. Not to mention the Bible teaching is so Spirit filled and lead by God- I am blessed every time. Even though it can be risky I was encouraged to come to church Mother's Day and I was truly blessed on a day that is usually very painful due to our infertility. Last but not least are our home, Jobs and Bosses. We are so blessed the jobs have been very accommodating and the respective bosses are very supportive .
So while I may be slogging through the mud of red tape and emotional mine fields my heart is full of gratitude that is reflected in the song "Blessed be Your Name"
Blessed be Your name in the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name when I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be Your name
Chorus:
Every blessing You pour out I'll turn back to praise
And when the darkness closes in, Lord, still I will say:
Blessed be the name of the Lord !
Blessed be Your name!
Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Blessed be Your Glorious name!
Blessed be Your name when the sun's shinning down on me
When the World's "all as it should be"
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Chorus:
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name
Written by Beth and Matt Redman
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