Changing Roles

When Bob and I started out married life he was in the Navy and as a Navy wife whose husband was often out at sea in the days prior to all the electronic gadgets we have today, I was the one who handled the finances. Also Bob first became dependant for me to drive him when he had an adrenal gland tumor about 12 yrs ago and because of the symptoms he was unable to drive. so as we progressed into the diagnosis of Parkinson's and later MSA I did not need to exert control to be involved in his care, Dr.s visits, medications, finances, insurance and driving. I have heard many stories about interventions regarding driving, and being shut out of the loop regarding meds and care. Fortunately we did not have these issues. So I thought I had gotten off easy in regards to becoming the primary decision maker.

But I was wrong. Even in the best circumstances changing roles can be very difficult. Case in point - we need a different car and we found ourselves in a power struggle.

I had done a lot of research to assertain what would be the ideal vehicle for us and had settled on three models. A Toyota RAV, a Honda CRV or a Subarau Forester. I wanted a AWD SUV wagon. One that would be fairly low to the ground so Bob could get in and out easily and that had a cargo area I could easily pop the scooter into. Finally this was the first car that I would be purchasing for me. It will be the car I have when bob is no longer here. I needed longevity, easy maintenance, the approval of my mechanic, and let's face it Ladies a certain "Style" to it. No van for this Chica. I want a pretty color, style, paint and upholstry in good condition and.......a Sunroof.

As Bob started to travel more and began to see the need for a new vehicle He started expressing his opinion. As we would travel to church and other junkets I would find myself rejecting multiple declarations regarding what kind of car we should get. I had to constantly defend my choices. I had already spent many hours on the research, Bob was just getting started.

Now I want you to know that Bob is a very intelligent man and he has some great input, but what a man wants in a car and what a woman wants are DIFFERENT. Bob is also very much a function man and not a form guy. Long ago in our marriage I had to put my foot down and tell him that I didn't care what contraption he jury-rigged up but my rule was it had to look good. I felt that these conversations were re-inventing the wheel, I had already done the research and come to a conclusion and I admit to some annoyance that he wouldn't just accept my results.

Part of this strugglei s I am begining to learn how to make these decisions  on my own. There will be coming a day when I won't have Bob, with his expertise, to help, and I am begining to excercise these new skills.This is a time of transition, I am learning and he is having to let go, this is never easy and the reasons behind it greive us both.

So- the resolution has been reached.

I took Bob to see a couple of the cars I was  looking at. He gets it. I no longer have to defend my choices and...... He has become a computer internet fiend (actually he always was) He spends hours looking for cars that fit our parameters and e-mails them to me, I review, reject and then make appts to go see the ones that make the cut. He comes with and we look at the car together. He feels and is part of the process and I am no longer justifying my decisions.  So stay tuned to see what we wind up with.