Bitterness

I was 45yrs old when my husband first became ill and 49 when he was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease and 51 when we were told that He really had MSA, that it was terminal and his life span had been shortened considerably. For a wife to have to face the realities of becoming the caregiver of a disabled and terminally ill husband - this is very young.

We had hopes and dreams and plans. We were active and adventurous and free spirited. Hopes of working together, dreams of following the sea, plans to rebuild our finances and maybe own a home or a boat again. We worked on a Lake cruise boat and took vacations with just a tent and no plans. We met amazing people and had amazing experiences. And then we got stuck. Confined to staying at home and putting everything on hold, not knowing what was wrong and at every stage it kept getting worse until we knew that our life would never be the same again. I always thought that the life I'm living now couldn't happen for another 30yrs. I was wrong.

So as we settle into this life we now have - people are curious and they ask me questions. "How do you do it?" "Is he hard to care for?" "Does it bother you?" or they offer well meaning sympathy "That's so sad, and your so young, I couldn't do it."  What they want to know is am I putting up a "Good" front on things or am I really the happy woman I seem to be and if so How? How come I'm not angry? How can I do what I need to do and give up those hopes and dreams we once had and not be - Bitter?

I was - Bitter. I was - Angry. Especially through the years when we had no idea what was wrong or if it would ever end, and I fought giving up my hopes and dreams. My family will tell you I am very goal oriented. I conceive of a plan and then I work to make it come to pass. I used to say - give me a plan and I can deal with anything. But I wasn't planning on this and there isn't really a plan you can focus on, we don't know how this is all going to move along, Ultimately all we know is right now and what the end result is, all the in between is a mystery.

But I can tell you that I am no longer- Bitter. I am no longer - Angry. Don't get me wrong, I Grieve, and I get tired and frustrated and sometimes scared. Every time we have an episode I wonder if this will pass or if we have entered into a new phase of "Reality". Thankfully God was grooming me for this journey, and even when I had not quite "Got" the lesson, I was beginning to follow the lesson plan and incorporate it into my life.

So this morning during my quiet time it all came together. I love it when you explore the word of God and see an amazing truth and you can say "YES!" that's what it is and yes that's what I'm learning to do!

Jeremiah 17:5-8, 13
A curse on the man who puts his trust in man,
     who relies on the things of the flesh,
     whose heart turns from the Lord.
He is like dry scrub in the wastelands:
     If good comes, he has no eyes for it,
He settles in the parched places of the wilderness,
     a salt land, uninhabited.

A Blessing on the man who puts his trust in the Lord,
     with the Lord for his hope.
He is like a tree by the waterside
     that thrusts its roots to the stream;
when the heat comes it feels no alarm,
     it's foliage stays green;
it has no worries in a year of drought,
     and never ceases to bear fruit...
Hope of Israel, Lord!


So here's what stood out for me:

"He is like dry scrub in the wastelands." - dry, bitter easily burnt up weeds - nope I don't want that.
"He is like a tree by the waterside." - green and bearing fruit - yep that's what I wan

What's the difference?

"A curse on the man who puts his trust in man."  -VS- "A blessing on the man who puts his trust in the Lord."

What are the results in each choice?

"He settles in the parched places." Dry , bitter and alone
""When the heat comes it feels no alarm, it's foliage stays green."

Even though the bad times come, and they will (It says so right there 'When the heat comes') we can avoid being dry and bitter and revel in being green and bearing fruit. I can be free from worry even when there is a drought by trusting in God's provision and I can bear fruit by glorifying God and caring for my husband and not letting bitterness in. I believe that I am learning to do this and God is in the process of perfecting this attitude in me. If you haven't heard how God has been working in our lives please read the previous blogs that go into a lot of detail about His provision for us.

We are in a drought, a terminal illness, God has provided abundance in family, friends, jobs, home, medical, finances and church. But the biggest blessing is relying on him and enjoying my time with Bob.

So "How do I do this?"

I am a tree that "Places his trust in the Lord, with the Lord as his hope." and that is "Planted by the waterside that thrusts its roots to the stream."

My roots are planted in the Word of God, He is the one that has living water.

Jesus said that he had living water to give us. John 4:14
"but whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him will never thirst. But the water I shall give him will become in him a fountain of water springing up into everlasting life."

How can I be bitter if my life is well watered by the Word of God that provides living water as a well springing up inside of me? Water that keeps me from thirsting and gives me everlasting Life?

So to answer the questions in the beginning - I "Do it" through reliance and trust in God. I'm not bitter about how it isn't fair that we have to endure this "Drought" so young because I plant myself in the Word of God and His living water sustains me. Bitterness and Anger have no place to sit in my life because I bubble up with the Joy of the Lord. My prayer is that I continued to dwell in His word and never withdraw my roots from His streams.